shit

Literally. I can't believe the lab called me this morning - on a fast day of all days - to tell me that I didn't give in the stool sample required. I was supposed to hand in both a white and a blue bottle. How patriotic and appropriate, considering the shitty bureaucracy here.

Me - "I put the two samples side by side and handed them in on Wednesday".

Lab - "Are you sure? Because they said the blue one was missing".

Me - "Look it's not easy running from work in the middle of the day to give you fresh stool samples. So of course I did both of them at the same time."

What on earth did these people do with my blue bottled shit? If I were famous I'd surmise they copped it for a sale on e-Bay, but who on earth wants my shit? I think the container dropped, splattered all over their floor and they just don't want to fess up to it.

So how does one know lab results are 100% - if they can't get my shit together?

They made me terribly angry earlier in the week when they closed at 11:30 am, and I walked in at 11:31 and the receptionist is telling me that numbers aren't being given out because the lab is now closed.

"Look, I just need to give in a sample"

"Can I see it?" said the receptionist.

I look around. Many other people are standing around watching. I'm totally embarrassed. Not that anyone knows me here, but it's not pleasant taking out a vial of shit in front of a dozen or so people.

"Can't I just get the stickers from you and put in on the sample myself in the bathroom?" I asked.

"No, I need to see it."

Fine, lady. Here. Take my shit.

Sure enough the friggin' sample falls from my hand onto her desk, but didn't break open.

She glared at me, when she saw what the sample was. I mean, what the fuck did she think my sample was? Hair?