The Loco Locals

I was sitting on the bus, minding my own business, which I do very well, thank you. My weekly local newspaper in Hebrew is on my lap, and I'm about to doze off. I hear a voice coming from the woman sitting next to me.

"your paper" she says.

I look at her, wide awake now.

"Your paper, please"

I wonder is this a stick-up? Is this woman gonna rob me of my newspaper. I give it to her hoping I will remember to ask for it back if I see her getting off the bus. She's glancing through and after 15 minutes hands it back to me. I'm grateful.

Yesterday, I went to our apartment committee meeting. I hadn't gone to any of the meetings and I thought I'd go see what it's all about. After figuring out who will volunteer to be the keeper of the keys to the tiny children's play room and what to do when teens come in and stay for hours, or can we let children play unsupervised by an adult, should we be responsible for other people's children when their parents fuck off somewhere....blah blah blah, the conversation turned interesting. It was about stuff thrown onto their balconies from higher apartments. It seems everyone but me has that problem. I'm on the top floor so I'm lucky. No one can throw stuff up eight flights. The woman next to me talks loudly.

"You wouldn't believe what I find on my balcony. Hair."

"What color" I ask her.

She looks at me funny. "Black" she tells me.

Phew. I'm relieved. It's not from any of my kids.

"I'm gonna collect it in a bag and throw it back to my neighbors. I know who it is. You know what I'll do? I'll play loud Arabic music on Saturday."

"Arabic music?" said someone else. "Everyone likes that music! It won't help you with your neighbors."

I started to talk Arabic music with the guy who brought it up.

I tell him "I listen to Fairouz"

"Fairouz? Don't listen to her. She hates Israel."

"Oh, who do you listen to."

"Om Kulthoum."

"She's from Egypt" I say, wondering if she hates Israel too but he just doesn't know it.

Other people complained about stuff thrown on their balcony from the higher apartments - cigarette butts, diapers, and a green plastic table leg.

The meeting continued. Other people started talking.

"Then there was a dog that peed in the elevator."

"I know who that was"

"No - they gave away their puppy."

"No - I saw that dog after I saw the pee in the elevator."

"Someone took a big shit in the stairwell."

Everyone laughs.

"It wasn't a dog. It was more like a gorilla."

Everyone is hysterical.

It's after 10:00 pm. The meeting is over.