Thursday, May 14, 2009

Health is Wealth

Last night I got two free tickets to the Alternateva fair - a fair for alternative health products, healthier lifestyles, strange new age fads and your multi-level marketing salespeople with their shtick. I had just been complaining that I never get wined and dined any longer - not since my old boss died - that my Higher Power listens to me kvetching and - abracadabra - this newer boss handed me her two tickets because she couldn't go. I went together with another co-worker.

We walked through the aisles of stands - which took us three hours in all - not to mention all the lectures and music we missed. We passed by Tarot card readers, astrologers,palm readers - there were a few machines that read your auras, but that was scary. What if my aura is a wrong color or something? I wouldn't want to know. I tried to walk quietly minding my own business, but everyone there seemed to know everything about me. There was no hiding nothin'. What if they all read minds? Then I'm in deep shit.

"You have seborrhea" says this woman who's selling her brand of natural creams. She's looking at my nose and continues.

"It's not a physical thing you know. It's spiritual. It's from stress."

Really.

I looked at these egg shaped dry skin removers which hold in your dead skin instead of it flaking on the floor and thought those were the coolest things. Two stands were selling them, and one was 20 shekels cheaper than the other. It was the only thing I bought. There were other "As Seen On TV" items that looked like fun - like the tool for folding shirts perfectly. Maybe next year. I didn't take those 15 minute reflexology or reiki treatments because by the evening's end the massage therapists looked like they were in need of their own treatments - after so many hours of work. I fell in love with these foam mattresses and pillows, called memory foam, because the foam contours to your body/head. It must be heaven to sleep on those. We tried sitting on the chair pads and decided if we buy those for the office, we'd probably get fired for not wanting to get off our chairs at work.

We walked past people with acupuncture-like needles all over their hands and books on Kabbalah and expensive equipment for raw foodies.

We sampled a bit of free food here and there, and tried out all the testers from the abundance of natural creams and salves and oils. We nodded our heads in agreement when the salesperson told us that people are used to shampoos with a lot of suds because they think it works better when there's more suds, when in fact the natural shampoos have little suds, if any.

"In fact, the cheap ones are like putting kerosene in your hair. Do you know that? Do you want to put that stuff in your hair?" We nodded in agreement with her.

Then a Sunrider salesperson stopped us to give us a taste of hot water and cinnamon.

"This cleanses out your body. You can eat anything you want - chicken with hormones and antibiotics and chocolates, but you can drink our products and your intestines will be cleansed."

For like $20 for 10 bags.

"I'll need to spend $60 for a month's supply, right?" I asked. Could people be so stupid? I'll make my own fucking hot water with cinnamon to clean my intestines out and it'll cost me $1 a month.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

um, and you could also indulge in mb and not need the cleaning out stuff. I too always get excited that so many people are into alternative ways, but then realize most of it is just one big commercial. Last year I bought an iron board cover to make ironing easier - but I still haven't ironed anything :>)

Klara

jerusalemgypsy said...

Oh, you're just a macrobiotic missionary. The expensive teas, and the vitamins that do this and that are fads. I'd rather just eat healthy, which I think I'm doing a better job of now that I'm incorporating both macrobiotic stuff AND raw foods. Love the combination.