When the Shit Hits the Fan

This morning I had to take a routine blood test. My doc said I hadn't had a routine check up in 4 years, and it's high time to do so. I had to fast overnight which isn't so terrible. I had been perusing colon cleansing stuff on the internet - one treatment of which included juice fasting. Doc also wanted me to take 3 days of stool samples (photos not included, folks).

I looked through my wardrobe trying to find some shirt/top/sweater whose sleeves can be rolled up easily for blood-letting. I couldn't bear the thought of stripping my top off in this weather, even indoors, because I wore a tight fitting sleeve.

On the way, Hubby is talking about his demise.

"When I'm gone, try to only go out with guys who have money. Real bucks. Don't go for all the shit around here."

"Why are you talking like that?"

He continued - "And don't be like all the single women around here who can't find a guy. You can find anyone. He can be from anywhere in the world."

"I don't mind someone with a decent salary - about double what I make. He doesn't have to have truckloads of money. Really. But what if I speak to your brother and let him find me a stinking rich gay man, who needs to be closeted for public image's sake. This way I won't have to have sex with him and I'll live a luxurious life, if I can be good friends with the guy. Know what I mean?"

He let me off at the medical lab downtown.

"You need to give me stool samples" - said the lady at reception.

Urine tests I can do on the spot, but I asked the lady - if I "go" in the afternoon,can I bring the samples in the following morning?

"We won't accept samples from the day before. Sorry. You'll have to go to the bathroom and bring the sample immediately to us."

How will I tell my bowels to empty between the hours of 6:30 - 11:30 am?

"Look, I normally go around lunchtime. That's after closing time. Can you make any special provisions for people like me who can't go in the mornings?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to speak to your doctor."

I went to work and around 9:45 a.m. felt the urge to "go". Splendid. God is on my side. He really wants me to get those tests in. Only one hurdle. My boss. How do I explain that I have to leave for an hour to give in stool specimens. His secretary was equally as worried as I told her what the score was.

"I'm gonna have to tell him somehow that for the next 3 days, I'll have to split immediately, if I get lucky enough to go in the mornings. I know he likes to have advance notice about me taking any kind of leave, but how the hell am I gonna give him advance notice?"

I met him at the reception area and told him I had to take a "culture" over to the lab now.

"OK, but don't let anyone see that!" he pointed towards my office.

I was horrified. Did I leave my specimens on my desk? For everyone in the office to see?

"See what????" I asked grimly.

"The report! No one should see the report."

Sighing a sigh of relief, I bounded out the door, quickly - before he changes his mind.