Wedding Tales

Well it happened and I can't believe I have a married daughter and gained a son-in-law. The wedding was lovely and went practically hitchless except I kept on feeling like Tevye from Fiddler on The Roof when I approached my daughter to do something traditional like walk down the aisle to soulful Jewish music instead of Enya and she refused. But back to the music later.

I spent the wedding day at the hairdresser and makeup place with my 4 daughters. I was bored stiff half the time, even though we got a kick out of the photographer looking exactly like my second oldest's ex-boyfriend. I was restless and didn't have the patience to sit around for 5 hours. But there was nothing I could do. I was trapped.

It takes me 5 minutes to put on my makeup and I would assume it takes a professional to do it in 15-20 minutes. My hair took 1/2 hour just to blowp-dry it out. I watched my daughters' transformation - one morphed her hair into a Pamela Anderson type blonde-do, then cried because she hated her dramatic eye makeup. The others did themselves up beautifully but less dramatic.

By the time the groom came to pick up the bride, whom he hadn't seen in a week, for photographs and a blessing from Grand Sephardic rabbi Ovadiah Yosef, I was in the dressing room futzing around with my plastic bra straps trying to make them tighter. Meanwhile, everyone's annoyingly calling me to tell me the groom is here and to come out and I'm telling them -"honey if you want some photos to remember, I WILL come out completely topless to greet the groom but I'd like to be on good terms with my daughter."


Walking towards the Wedding Canopy the DJ put on the Enya song from The Gladiator. It was indeed very lovely, but as soon as the song finished and the entire family had been gathered together, Mr. DJ began playing some calypso-hand-clapping crap which totally fucked up the mood. He could have continued with some other gorgeous New Age type stuff, but he must have been on one too many Red Bull & Vodkas or whatever.




The ceremony began and it is different from Ashkenazi weddings, as the bride does not walk around the husband 7 times, and I thought at one point the Rabbi asked me to drink the wine, and I was about to as I was handed the cup.

"You're ruining MY WEDDING" hissed my daughter loudly, hopefully loudly enough for the video to pick up this conversation. Others whispered to me that I must lift up her veil, and put the wine to her lips for her to sip. It was red wine and she was petrified I'd get it all over her dress. I didn't. A trick for next wedding is to buy white wine.

My brother-in-law was called up to say one blessing. He didn't understand the Rabbi's Hebrew telling him to put the wine glass in his right hand. I hissed at my daughter - NOW HE'S RUINING YOUR WEDDING!!! And I laughed.




The dancing was lively during the dinner, the DJ played good music - first Hasidic music with a mechitza (barrier to divide the sexes) for 20 minutes and then a slow dance with the couple alone - my daughter had 6 sets of floor sparklers going off as well as confetti pouring down on them during the dance and it looked lovely. Then we had our eclectic music going - salsa, R&B, country, Middle Eastern (I brought my belly dancing belts) and I really think we all had a wonderful celebration. We had a matching eclectic crowd - Jewish, Arab, Chassidic, secular, modern orthodox,Messianic Jews - you name it, we had it.

Around midnight the ex-Criminal got totally wasted, unbeknowest to me, and one of the groom's relatives went over to me and said "go to her - she's passed out." The Complainer complained that she's causing us embarrassment.

"Now the other family will know that we're all crazy."

Too late. The wedding can't be called off now. Mwaaa haa haa.

In fact it ended at 1:30 and we shoved the "unconscious" Drunk Daughter into the back seat with 3 other girls trying to shove her around to make room for themselves (she couldn't wake up for shit) and headed home. It took us about 1/2 hour to get the Drunk One out of the car.




And may the newlyweds have a life as beautiful as my daughter's wedding dress!!!