Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The funnies

I'm trying to make latkes for Hanukah. Latkes are traditionally made of potatos - fried. We fry alot because the holiday reeks of miracles from 2000 years ago that there was only enough oil for 1 day in the Temple in Jerusalem, however, it then lasted for 8 days. So we oil everything. I even left my hair greasy - not having washed it for 5 days. Hey, I'm in the holiday spirit. Ah, getting back to latkes, I decided to be 21st century and do this gourmet thing with them and make them out of Leeks and toasted pine nuts. Sounded great. When I steamed the damn leeks and put them in a bowl, using a hand blender to mush them up, the leeks got twisted in the hand blender and it took me about 1/2 hour to get all the "hairs" out of the blade. It was like Rapunzel's hair in there. Meanwhile, the 2 so-called men in the family were getting impatient for their dinner. I tried all sorts of tactics to free up the leek hair, scissors, forks, and finally freed it all with a sharp knife.

Then my daughter is trying to feed her boyfriend who won't touch my food and is doing this "fly" thing, putting the food on her fork, making buzzing sounds like a fly, and trying to force it down his mouth. They'll make a wonderful married couple. All this while talking to him in a Russian accent. I was hysterical.

Hubby is on the couch with a migraine, but he's impossible to live with when he's sick. He lights up a cigarette on the couch, and I gently lift him up by the arm, escorting him to the nearest door. He's not happy being shoved out the back door. I push him towards the front door. "I'll smoke in the bedroom."

"The hell you will. I still sleep there, so for now it's out the front door."

The woman of the house was triumphant!!! He was puffing mad, but who cares. The house was smoke-free.

I had gone earlier to the mall to get jelly filled doughnuts. Another holiday specialty. Only they had run out in both places and the lineup was about 20 people long. The tempers were short here too. "WHO SAID SHE IS BEFORE ME?" yelled a very tall man with bony fingers, at the girls in the store, as he pointed to a few women in front of him. I thought, I better get out of here - fast - and went to the supermarket where the doughnuts were cheaper by half price. They had run out of doughnuts there too. I was out of luck. But here people were laughing instead of yelling, wondering how these doughnuts were baked instead of deep fried, figuring that not only are they cheaper but healthier. Fuck the healthy donuts. I wasn't in the mood to wait any longer. I have another 7 days of Hanukkah to get these donuts -deep-fried or baked.

By the way, one of the funniest blogs I have ever seen in my life - is Human Writes. Wish I could write like that. Yesterday I went to print out his post - Careful, Sweetheart, you're sitting on Santa's Testicles and rushed to the printer before anybody at work sees the heading and wonders what kind of person I am. Really.

1 comment:

Deb said...

You are hilarious! I love this blog. I can just see you picking leek hairs out of the blades while the so-called men wait to be served. You are a most amazing woman. Thanks for making me laugh.