The Late Late Guests

We hardly have guests over for Shabbat, and I insanely volunteered to host non-Jewish peace workers from the Ecumenical Accompaniment for Peace in Palestine and Israel at my home. Even though I've been running overtime and getting few hours sleep and my house would be considered a disaster zone by US health department officials. To combat the disaster part of the house, I hired my Gypsy friend's sister who has no work and doesn't mind cleaning homes. She's a real true blue Gypsy and even speaks the Domari language. Amoun even tells me she reads coffee beans (but not palms as she doesn't believe in palm reading).

"Does she read marijuana seeds" asked Hubby, always looking for new knowledge.

I ain't even gonna touch that one, sweet pea.

Luckily, the Gypsy cleaner took my home out of the health hazard it most certainly was within a few hours and we were ready to have guests.
I called up Rabbis for Human Rights who asked for volunteers for hosting.

"Hi, I'm the person who lives in the settlement near to Jerusalem (I have this new personal movement - Settlers for Human Rights), and was wondering what time to expect these guests."

The voice at the other end of the line answered nonchalantly. -

"Well, they'll be going to Friday night synagogue services starting at 7:00 and will be done around 8;30."

I did a mental calculation and figured these people won't get to me before 9:00 pm. Which means I am gonna be eating late. A food-obsessed person's personal catastrophe. Having to wait to eat until the wee hours of late evening. Ugh. I spread the news to my family. They were royally pissed, of course.

"You can eat the holy Sabbath food at 6:00 pm" I told them, thinking if all my obnoxious kids don't show up when the guests come, it might actually be a quiet blessing. Good planning, said I to myself and if I could have patted myself on the back, I would have.

The guest arrived, as I thought at 9:00 and promptly wanted to use the toilet. Am I glad I had the Gypsy coffee bean reader wipe up all the yellow schmutz from around the toilet - the men in our family have an obvious aiming deficiency.

The guests from Denmark and the UK sat politely through Shalom Aleichem and Kiddush -the prayers before Friday night meals and were genuinely intrigued that we were into genuine peace with our neighbors (and not the organized Peace Movements). They thought the first course was "it" and were stunned to have a few more courses like chicken soup and roast chicken with side dishes. They looked at the dumplings in their soup and I tried to explain what matza balls were, showing them a packet of matzah and matza meal. It would have been easier had I just made a pot full of mushroom and barley soup, but I wanted them to have a full taste of culinary Judaica. A discussion of conversion ensued and they said it was really easy to convert to Islam. I told them that a Moslem young man asked me to repeat something after him, during the Boombamela Festival. In Arabic. I did, because it sounded fine. From what I understood, it sounded like - There is no God but One God. I can certainly deal with that. Then right afterwards, he told me - Now you are a Moslem. I hadn't told Hubby that his previously Jewish wife, had unsuspectedly converted to Islam, and our guests nodded that converting to Islam is as simple as eating humous in Jerusalem.

"You're a Moslem?"

I smiled at Hubby. "You can call me Fatmeh now if you'd like" - serves him right, I thought - for all the times he draws attention to how much weight I've put on since I married him 20 years ago.

"What will I tell the Rabbi?" he asked

I reminded him that we have no Rabbi.

But then the guests said that I would have had to go to a mosque 5 times a day to pray and that would complete the conversion. Ah, so I'm only half-way there -

Thinking of ways I could console the distraught Hubby, I told him not to worry about it too much. I can't even get my ass to a synagogue once every 6 months, do you really think I can pray 5 times a day in a mosque? And what about Ramadan??? Think about that! Do you really believe this food-obsessed person wants to fast 30 days straight? I think not.

So I think he slept well that night...