Cleaning your Colon

Yesterday afternoon I walked past this unshaven man sitting on a curb on the corner of Agrippas and the shuk. He was sitting with a suitcase and 2 large thermoses. He called for me in English - "Hey, do you think you can tell everyone you know that at 3:00 tomorrow I will be telling people where the real Hebron is. People think that the Cave of Machpela (where Abraham, Isaac and wives are buried) is not where people think it is, neither is Hebron?"

I nodded "OK" to him as I would with any of Jerusalem's crazies. But then I turned around and asked him - "So where do YOU think Hebron really is"

"You'll find out tomorrow"

"But I'm working at 3:00"

The man just shrugged.

I guess I'll never know unless he does assemble a crowd or it's written in the papers. That's just in 2 1/2 hours from now. Why he had his suitcase on hand is beyond me. Perhaps he thought he was some kind of travelling messiah?

Later that afternoon, trying to rid myself of chronic bloating and nausea, I impulsively tried out the only one of Jerusalem's Colon Cleansing clinics. The only thing I ever associated with Colon Cleansing was with Hollywood female celebrities, going for a regular colon cleanse - it's so IN. I decided to try it and see if I'd feel better after asking around about it and there weren't any cons to it and just people who enjoyed the experience.

I walked into the clinic, situated in an Ultra-Orthodox neighborhood. The place was immaculately clean and the woman running the place seemed quite knowledgeable and intuitive about my problems.

"Itchy behind? I know what you have. Fungus. That's caused by parasites and you probably have candida."

Lovely. She said that is probably why I am feeling bloated, etc.

I was nervous about the procedure as I am about trying out anything invasive and new. The most fun I had, and I'm serious, was when she walked in while I was "expelling" and "farting".

She coached me on like a labour coach as I let off a loud one.

"Beautiful! You're doing great!"

"Wow! That's quite a different reaction than the reaction I get at home when I fart"

"No, you need to get it all out."

Man, I felt empowered.

The other fun thing was watching my crap float down a large fluorescent-lit tube, like a tubular fish tank and commenting on it with the woman in charge. Now I do not believe that there is not a human on this planet who does not look back every time they take a crap to see what kind of crap it was. We all do. Let's face it. Even kings, queens and movie stars. So I had a wonderful 45 minutes of watching so many different species of my crap swim by in this "viewing for your pleasure" tube.

"Did you see that?" she asked.

"I thought I'd see parasites looking like mini-Loch Ness Monsters floating down there"

"You are very dry inside. You can tell by what's being expelled."

"Do you think you have a shitty job?" I asked her in jest.

She was serious - "No, I really enjoy what I do"