Sunday, August 22, 2004


I spent the afternoon yesterday de-cluttering my closet. It felt good to declutter even though it was a chore and a disappointment. Two pairs of pants are small on me and unfortunately had to go to either the charity pile or the 2nd hand store pile where I sell them on consignment. Today hubby was double Hitler and came to find a spotless house but the dog had chewed up the battery cover of the DVD remote. Hubby tried to throw the dog bone outside but it missed and ricocheted off the window and back onto the tv and down to the floor. He was about to take the dog out but decided to terrorize my son instead. GET OFF THE COMPUTER, YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS HAVE TO LEAVE AND YOU TAKE THE DOG OUT. I couldn't reason with him. There's no way kids are going to listen if you're going to look like and sound like Golgotha - the three headed monster or whatever the hell Golgotha looks like. But you know it ain't pretty. I always pray because this sounds like an illness and I don't know what it is and he doesn't know what it is but the anger just piles up at times and he starts tongue lashing at anyone in his way. YOU SLUTS! he yells at me and the daughters for no apparent reason other than because we're within his eyesight. Any pleading from me or the kids results in an icy "FUCK OFF". Sometimes I think I'm the one who is crazy because I've stayed in it 20 years. I don't know if depression. I don't know if he just needs to smoke pot, I don't know what the hell it is, but usually by the morning, the dybbuk leaves and he's all nice and peachy offering me a ride to work. He's tried anti-depressants on and off but to no avail.... And when the going gets tough, I have to laugh or need to laugh, because if I don't I'll go insane myself. And then I hope and pray my children marry anything that resembles normalcy.

My daughter who went to Eilat last week, was invited this week again by her best friend. I think they're really going to spy on their boyfriends who are there now and they want to see if the boyfriends are cheating. My daughter hadn't given out her number to anyone last week because she's "taken" although at times she feels her guy would rather hang with his friends than be with her. She's been with him 2 years. To me it sounds like it could be a comedy movie. One with Reese Witherspoon and some other blonde actress. The girls said they'd hide if and when they see their boyfriends. The guys don't know the girls will be coming down, but the girls know they're there. It could be a comedy or a tragedy. "What if he's snuggling up to someone and smooching with her. Do you really want to see that?" She needs to know what he's up to. But she was unsure of going because if he sees her it will "ruin" his fun. I told her to write down the pros and cons of going and whatever comes out with the most points - wins! She took my advice and promptly took her pad and pencil to start writing. I love when I can have that motherly advice moment with my kids.

I bought 2 crystals to hang over the window in the bedroom and livingroom to see if they bring some good energy into the home! Let's see if this darn things works.

Talking about laughing, I read an article over the weekend about a bear in Washington State who raided a camping site and drank 35 beers of Rainier. He preferred that brand over the others. I wondered if he had a bear belly (groan).

and someone sent me this:

A handsome elderly white-haired man walked into a jeweler's shop
late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring
priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand. I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock
from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to contact
the bank to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll
write a check and you can phone the bank, then I'll fetch
the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man.
"You jerk, you lied to me there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"


Anonymous said...

Sorry dearie! That is tough. We just lost our next door neighbors (they left hurriedly to avoid paying the rent). The man was a lot as you describe your hubby. He was said to have extreme bi polar problems. Someone sure had troubles...she came night after night to call the police for help, etc. Time she left my blood pressure got ever higher...and as of this week I have had to take double the meds. People rarely understand the connectedness we have to each other and how important it is that we try to be kind and treat others as we would also like to be treated. sigh...

A suggestion...have you tried a rabbi for help? We are not Jewish but if I was, that is where I would start.

I understand more about how you have many interests outside your home. It would be a good way to keep one's sanity under such assaults. My dad is insane and those 20 years of hell under his roof are not missed!! My mom died. Selfishly, I wish she was here. I do know where she is and we shall be together again someday. But how I miss her!


High-Ranger said...

I think it's a man thing!!!! Where women tend to have hormones that let them cry, we
men hold in our problems, fears, and anxiety
until one day it's got to come out. You just don't want to be the poor sucker in sight when it erupts like a volcano. If men would learn, with the help of their wives, to talk about things before they get out of hand there would be alot less divorce. On a good day just start talking to him about his day at work, the drive home, about the trees he's planted,just anything to get a converstaion started. Then everyday start talking to him about positive things that are happening in both your lives, the house,
the kids. Maybe even about starting some of the changes to your house the two of you could do together. You are a smart lady!!
I gave you a few tips to think about!!! Now you can figure out where to go from here..
Have a great week!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Leah wrote: "There's no way kids are going to listen if you're going to look like and sound like Golgotha - the three headed monster or whatever the hell Golgotha looks like."

Here are a few other possible candidate names for your monster: 1) Ghidra, a 3 headed monster that fought with Godzilla; 2) Kerebros, the 3 headed dog guarding the gates to Hades in Greek mythology; 3) Gorgon - women monsters with snakes for hair (like Medusa) from Greek mythology; 4) Hydra - a multi-headed Greek mythological monster. In any case, "Golgotha" is something entirely different. It is an Aramaic word, and Aramaic was a Semitic language closely related to Hebrew, though possibly "newer" in historical appearance. Some of the scrolls from Qumran are said to be in Aramaic or to have Aramaic influence. The Aramaic is close to the cognate (biblical) Hebrew word "gulgoleth" - "skull" in English. Most English speakers will probably know the word "Golgotha" from the Gospels/New Testament. As in Matthew's version: "And when they were come unto a place called Golgotha, that is to say, a place of a skull, They gave him vinegar to drink mingled with gall: and when he had tasted [thereof], he would not drink. And they crucified him, and parted his garments, casting lots: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, They parted my garments among them, and upon my vesture did they cast lots." In other words, English speaking Christians know Golgotha as the place where Jesus was crucified. Something that may helpful to bear in mind at your interfaith gatherings.


jerusalemgypsy said...

Thank you for correcting me on the "Golgotha" term. I guess we haven't covered everything at our interfaith encounters. There's still so much to learn.

And thanks for all your comments. I've (we've) seen more therapists/rabbis than you could imagine. I think a good "pill" would probably do an amazing cure but that's not up to me.

Anonymous said...

When my 3 kids were at home with us 2...2 had to go on lithium for a year. The other 3 of us agree it was the most peaceful year we had with all of us living together. Lithium just evens out the moods. I have felt so much like a yo-yo I seriously considered having a t-shirt made with a large one on it! It is so hard to be pulled emotionally one way and then another, back and forth, nice and nasty....very horrible actually. My sympathies. Actually I have to admit it has been since my spouse has DEEPLY and INTENSIVELY studied the Scriptures....for us, Old and New testaments both...but mostly getting very deep into the OLD (Tanakh, right?) it has made all the difference!!! Knowing how things were meant to be from the very beginning has really helped so much! And we began to observe Sabbath... still not doing so perfectly but we are trying to learn and do it right...what a difference. I am not willing to ever return to the way things used to be. Oh another thing...we got rid of TV reception..yea, we watch videos...mostly old ones...and some religious DVDs and videos that teach us HOW to live better...and it has HELPED! But you cannot force anyone else to do this...they have to want to change! My prayers for things to get better, my dear!

jerusalemgypsy said...

Studying the scriptures and getting heavily into religion - I've been there and done that. We were very Orthodox Jews at one time. But it was SO very difficult with Hubby because he would encourage the kids to watch television on the Sabbath and they were little and thought it was fun. It hurts so much more when you're trying to do the "right" thing - adhere to all the rules - and then you can't do it totally on your own. I guess you can - but it's terribly hard not to have a partner with you on that kind of spiritual journey. I had no support from family. Just friends. It was too difficult I still trust God knows what's best for me and leads me to good paths. Thanks for the encouragement.

Anonymous said...

Bless your heart, dear! I do know some of it...we were at odds about similar stuff while the kids were growing up...well, finally about the time the youngest was 14 or so things began to change. It took a totally broken heart for him to begin to come around, frankly. His adored child turned against she already had against me years earlier with lots of help from many. That was 8 years ago and we have a relationship now with her...have to walk on eggshells some and she has completely rejected all religion (she is going with a young man who is part Jewish and an athiest...that is ok...I am much encouraged. Cause scripture tells me that Jews ARE THE APPLE OF HIS EYE...forever, so near as I can learn! It will come...someday, I do believe). I do encourage you to seek refuge with our REAL FATHER as I love to call HIM. HaShem is one acceptable term I think too, right?

I was led to read some books that advised me to begin to treat hubby AS IF he were already treating me right. Let me tell you...I failed plenty of times (I have or had rather, red hair...what do you think??) But as I refused to respond in kind to him and clung to our REAL FATHER, s l o w l y things began to change. It was a very hard time in my life. I printed out on computer in large print so as to be able to read it easily, some verses of scripture that encouraged me and posted them inside a cupboard near my kitchen sink and prayed nearly full time (inside). Sometimes I literally ran to the cupboard in the kitchen where I had it posted and reread those verses. One from the New Testament (not thrilling for you as a Jew I know...but great advice):"For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing." This was said by Peter, also a good Jew. But I also literally lived in Psalms and Proverbs!! My I clung to much of that!! I encourage you to find ways to observe Sabbath so much as you can...our REAL FATHER knows what is going on in your home. Even if you must go to your room to keep some semblance of it. Or go meet with others elsewhere perhaps. Besides your husband will be held to greater account as a man anyway, if I understand the scriptures correctly. I did take some comfort in that thought myself. And today, I can hardly believe what HaShem has brought to pass in our lives!! I will be forever grateful. Every woman needs to be loved by her husband. And you should have that too! Hang in there...just keep keeping on....ask for HaShem to help you moment by by day. Also a little hint is to do COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED good things and then offer no explanation as to why you are (maybe just make a favorite dessert etc). Be as quiet as is hard, I know. That is why we women need our women friends!! Gotta have someone to talk to about things. And you have an audience here...not the same as someone to hug you when you need it...but I am sure others are very sympathetic to your plight as well.

I did learn one thing...when I knew that hubby was in a bad mood and coming home that way...I kept a chocolate brownie mix on hand at all times and it took about as long for him to get home as it took to bake it...and I had fresh hot brownies on the counter to eat when he got there...if a person loves chocolate....pretty hard to resist...and chocolate has something chemical about it that is a mood lifter....I am serious that this simple little thing was almost as good as the lithium!! I never told him what I was doing till he was on the "right road" and then I told him. Most men are not terribly perceptive you know. Never occured to him. I did not worry about the cholesterol, made it with butter even...whatever worked to keep the house more peaceful was more than worth it. Now he has diabetes so it is a good thing we no longer NEED the chocolate! HA!

Thanks for writing so are indeed an interesting woman and obviously so very intelligent. And very nice to put up with me :-) ! And YOU are the APPLE of HIS EYE! I often tell another part Jewish lady friend who also suffers with a boorish husband. Blessings and prayers, Elizabeth

jerusalemgypsy said...

thank you Elizabeth - those are very wise observations. We had a marriage counselor who suggested just that too - to act "as if". It's hard work - but well worth the try. Thanks for the encouragement.

Anonymous said...

Yep, it sure is hard a way, harder than rearing kids...cause they grow up and move away! I am GLAD to encourage you any way I can! I am learning from you too, you know....and you do write very interesting things! You have been MANY places in the world I may never you are a great tour guide, in my opinion!!